Cookie Wars
by Firedance Productions
Summary: Cookies have vanished everywhere.Who are the culprits?They think Riverclan.Now the Thunderclan cats must survive this famine,Squirrelflight's lust for war,her boot camp,and insanity.Wish 'em luck!They'll need it. I still need ideas
1. How it Started

The day in Thunderclan was amazing. The kits were chugging AMP and Monster. Warriors were lazing around, eating ice cream or cake. They were watching TV and listening to iPods. Watching movies or playing DDR in the arcade. Trying to beat Kingdom Hearts II or searching for fanfics. The dreamy stupor was interrupted rather harshly by:

Firestar: LEAFPOOL!!!!!!

Leafpool runs out of the small doctor's tent holding a bag of medical supplies and is wearing a white nurse outfit with a red cross on it, up the big ramp, and bursts into Firestar's amazingly HUGE mansion.

Leafpool: Yes, Lord Firestar, what's wrong? Did you get a hernia? Do you need medication? Let me get it!

Firestar: Dammit Leafpool, I'm in here! (Calls from other room)

Leafpool: (still standing in the foyer) Oh. (Runs to the next room)

Firestar: (Has his paw stuck in a hole in the wal)

Leafpool: Uhh, Lord Firestar why is your paw in a hole?

Firestar: Some damn mouse took my cheese!!

Leafpool stared at him.

Leafpool: What the hell is cheese?

Firestar: JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE BEFORE I BUST A LUNG YELLING AT PEOPLE!! (Starts coughing from yelling so much.)

Leafpool: Let me get your medicine.

Firestar: N-No! Riverclan fuckin' took it! You must get it back! Get back my cookies! _(NOT WHAT YOU THINK YOU PERVERTS!!)_

Leafpool: Me? No! I can't, Lord Firestar! I'd lose my head! (Puts her paws over her head)

Firestar: Fine, Squirrelflight then.

Leafpool: (Sighs with relief and puts a hand to her chest) Phew

Firestar: I've been stuck here too long, Leafpool!

Leafpool: I'll go get some soap and water to get you out. (Starts to leave when-)

Firestar: WAIT!! I didn't mean that!

Leafpool: Oh then what-oh dammit!! (Runs to the front door) SQUIRRELFLIIIIIIIIGHT!!!! (She screams)

Squirrelflight appears from the wine cellar, holding a glass, and wearing a very low cut mini-dress. She looks up at Leafpool who's waving her paws in the air like mad. She sighs and goes up the ramp (almost falling) and inside.

Squirrelflight: Whaat? (Drinks more wine)

Leafpool: It's Lord Firestar! He's about to die!

Squirrelflight: (Does a spit take all over Leafpool) Lord Firestar's about to WHAT?! (The last word is a screech that breaks the vase behind her)

Leafpool: (Is already back in the room)

Squirrelflight: (Runs in, skids on the rug, tears the side of her dress on a table, and smashes her forehead into the wall) Thank you, please come again! (Collapses)

Leafpool: Squirrelflight!!

Firestar: Dammit Leafpool pay attention! Squirrelflight's fine! (Reaches up with paw that isn't stuck and pulls Leafpool's face down level with his) I need you to look after this clan as the head doctor!

Leafpool: (Is kneeling next to Firestar) I can't do that, Lord Firestar!

Firestar: Dammit you can!

He shook her face before his eyes rolled backwards and he fell to the ground as the spirit appeared next to him.

Leafpool: (Starts sobbing her eyes out)

Firestar: Damn, and I wanted to go at it with Sandstorm some more! Ah well, see ya Leafpool! (Tries to float through the ceiling) CLUNK! Ow! (Jumps through the window and leaves Leafpool crying on the ground)


	2. Squirrelflight's Insanity

After the death of the Great Lord Firestar, Thunderclan was lost. Squirrelflight was in a mini coma. The cause of Lord Firestar's death was kept a secret, until Squirrelflight started uncontrollably screaming that Riverclan took their cookies. Now, the whole clan has found the truth of why those beautiful cookies were missing. Now, Squirrelflight will need to get well soon! Real soon!

Squirrelflight: (opens her eyes)

Leafpool: Squirrelflight, you're awake!

Squirrelflight: Ugh, what happened? (Puts a paw to her forehead an finds that her head has been wrapped with a large bandage)

Leafpool: (Is working on the computer) You suffered minor brain damage.

Squirrelflight: Really?

Jayfeather: (Walks in wearing knee shorts and no shirt) Hi Leafpool.

Leafpool: Hi Jayfeather. Why aren't you wearing a shirt?

Jayfeather: It's frikkin hot outside!

Leafpool: (Averts her eyes from Jayfeather's solid eight-pack) Just go find some herbs or something.

Jayfeather: (Rolls his eyes and walks back out)

Leafpool: Holy crap there's a heat wave! (Is staring out the tent entrance were everything is shimmering)

Squirrelflight: (Is drooling over Jayfeather's eight-pack)

Leafpool: (Looks over at Squirrelflight and sighs) You can go now

Squirrelflight: (Shouts) I'mma whip your sorry butts into shape!

Leafpool: Wtf?

Squirrelflight: You're under the command of me now! (Gets up)

Leafpool: Squirrelflight….are you okay?

Squirrelflight: Fine enough to get this lazy clan off it sorry back-end!

Leafpool: (Sweat-drop)

Squirrelflight: (Walks out of the tent)

Leafpool: Wait! You need to change your clothes! You're butt's showing!

Squirrelflight: Get me some clothes, soldier!

Leafpool: (Grabs the navy uniforms that are in the back for some random reason) Here you are then.

Squirrelflight: (Is already in the clothes and pulls a whip off her belt and hits Leafpool with it)

Leafpool: Ow!

Squirrelflight: From now on, the first and last words out of your pathetic mouth will be Ma'am! Understand?!

Leafpool: Ma'am Yes! I understand, ma'am!

Squirrelflight: (Goes to Firestar's mansion and stares down from the top on the little square. Grabs a random super megaphone and yells) ALRIGHT YOU LOT! YOU'RE UNDER THE COMMAND OF ME! SQUIRRELFIGHT! I WANT YOU ALL LINED UP OUTSIDE IN FIVE MINUTES!! ANYONE WHO DOESN'T SHOW UP WILL LOSE THE RIGHT TO DRINK MONSTER FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!

Cat screams echoed from the houses, everyone scrabbled to place. Lionblaze stood off to the side, playing his Gameboy. Just then, a camo-colored jeep drove up and Squirrelflight stepped out, wearing a camo-colored uniform, thick heavy-duty hiking boots, a crap load of close-combat knives and stuff around her belt, and a whip. On her head, with holes for her ears, was a navy helmet.

Squirrelflight: Games?! At a time like this!? (Takes the Gameboy and throws it into a river)

Lionblaze: NOOOOOO!!SO CLOSE TO THE EEEEEND!!! (Cries)

Squirrelflight: (Hits Lionblaze on the butt with her whip)

Lionblaze: Ow! What was that for!?

Squirrelflight: (Hits Lionblaze over the head with her paw) For not standing at attention, soldier! From now on, the first or second, and last words out of your mouths will be Ma'am!! UNDERSTAND?!

Lionblaze: Ma'am Yes Ma'am! (Stands at attention in line)

Squirrelflight: (Hits Peachkit)

Peachkit: Hey!

Squirrelflight: Pay attention!

Peachkit: (Glares at air)

Squirrelflight: It is because of Riverclan that we are going downhill with our supply of cookies!

Everyone gasped.

Squirrelflight: For this reason, I have to whip your sorry asses into shape fit for war! Because this is war people! WAR! (Clenches her fist in front of her face)Now hop to it! There are uniforms in the doctors' tent at the back. Get moving!! (Cracks her whip and everyone runs for the tent)

Mousefur: I remember the last time we went to war.

Cinderpelt: Wasn't it because Grey's Anatomy was canceled until one week?

Leafpool: (Shudders) That was horrible! I still don't know how we got through that.

Jayfeather: (Trying on a uniform) At least Squirrelflight has a better head on her shoulders than Bluestar! She tried to attack Shadowclan because of the cancel!

Squirrelflight: AND DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT ME BAHIND MY BACK!! I'LL FIND OUT YOU KNOW!! I WILL!!

Jayfeather: Maybe not.


	3. First Day Pain

After everyone had finally donned fitting uniforms with the heavy-duty boots, they were taken in straight lines to the largest training area ever. It had everything from tires, to rock-climbing. From rope swings across huge mud swamps, to a single pole with a bell at the top.

Squirrelflight: I've set this up like an obstacle course. Your goal, (She pointed to the pole with the bell on top) is to get to the top in under two minutes! The cats that do will get a full buffet, wine and beer, and the world's best mattresses and pillows with soft blankets to sleep with. Everyone else gets military rations and a cot. Move people move!

Everyone rushed forward. Jayfeather managed to stay at the edge of the group to pull ahead. He leaped, grabbed the rope, swung to the platform, landed, and climbed up the pole. He rug the bell, then took the zip line at the top down to the ground. After him were Leafpool, Hollyleaf, Brambleclaw, Peachkit, Cloudtail, Brightheart, and Thornclaw. Cinderpelt came very close but her front paws slipped from the rope and she landed in the mud.

After everyone had washed up, the winners were taken to the mess hall to receive their prize, while the losers were given the rations. After they finished, everyone was sent to their designated cabins. Jayfeather lay down on his bed with a sigh. Cinderpelt came over looking nervous.

Cinderpelt: Jayfeather?

Jayfeather: (Opens an eye) Huh?

Cinderpelt: Umm…can I….can I…..uh….sleep with you?

Jayfeather: (Stares at her) Why?

Cinderpelt: (Blushes) Well, you have a big bed and it's really soft and comfortable so I thought I'd….ask….It's okay to say no!

Jayfeather: (Blushes too) I've uh….kinda been wanting you to ask that. I've got something to show you. Wait until everyone's asleep and I'll come get you. Don't fall asleep; I don't want to have to wake you up.

Cinderpelt: All right (Walks back to her cabin)

I know this chappie's short! I've made about three stories in one day, plus chapters. Hope you enjoy!!


	4. Sneak Off!

**Firedance: Okay, for this chappy, I want at least 10 reviews. No, not ten **_**more **_**reviews. I want FOUR more reviews. JAYFEATHER!!**

**Jayfeather: (Runs up and bows in front of me on my super amazing throne) What? Wait, why am I bowing?**

**Firedance: Just roll with it! Do the honors of saying the disclaimers!**

**Jayfeather: (Sighs) Firedance does not own any Warriors. She doesn't own any of the characters, locations or anything else.**

**Firedance: (Pats his head) Good boy (Gives him catnip)**

**Jayfeather: (Takes it and leaves)**

**Firedance: I would also like to thank Brightspirit for catching the difference between Cinderpelt and Cinderheart. Thanks Brightspirit!! Here's the next chappy oooofff…..****COOKIE WARS****!!**

Jayfeather watched Cinderpelt's-

Cinderpelt: STOP RIGHT THERE!!! My name is Cinderheart! Stop putting Cinderpelt!

(Firedance: O.O Holy crap, I didn't realize! I swear I thought it was always Cinderpelt! Oh wait, that's the old one. Oops. (Leaves))

Back in the war; Jayfeather watched Cinderheart leave. He felt something, a twinge in his heart.

Squirrelflight: (Over the intercom) Everyone in bed! Lights out in twenty seconds!

Jayfeather sighed, paws behind his head as he stared up at the ceiling, lying on the bed. Thinking…..

* * *

Finally, everyone had gone to sleep, after Lionblaze and Hollyleaf had stopped arguing in the darkness over who would crack under the strain first, Leafpool or Squirrelflight. Jayfeather slipped out of his bed and crept out the door. After opening and getting out, he stood straight and took a breath of fresh air, stretching in the moonlight when a voice came from the shadows. "Jayfeather!"

Jayfeather: (Jumps a foot in the air and starts to scream) AA-

Cinderheart: (Jumps out of the shadows and grabs his face, slapping her paw/hand?? over his mouth.) Shhhh!

Leafpool: (Comes walking by the cabins) Why do I have to keep watch? She should make someone else do it! Someone who doesn't have three sick cats in a tent with no herbs to give them! (Continues grumbling)

Cinderheart: (Yanks Jayfeather into the shadows)

Jayfeather: Mmmph!!

Cinderheart: (Is holding Jayfeather by his head while he's kneeling on the ground. Holds his head **tightly **against her chest)

Jayfeather: (Thinks: _Awkward position, awkward position, awkward position!!_)

Leafpool: (Pauses and looks up from the clipboard she's scribbling on.)

Cinderheart: (Watches Leafpool out of the corner of her eyes.)

Leafpool: I need my iPod if I'm going to do this! I'm hearing things….great! Just great! I admitted I'm crazy! (Walks away)

Cinderheart: (Releases Jayfeather)

Jayfeather: Gaah! (Is on his hands and knees (??? Or is it paws and knees???) on the ground)

Cinderheart: You okay? (Puts a hand on his shoulder)

Jayfeather: Yeah….let's go. (Takes her paw and runs)

Cinderheart: Jayfeather?

Jayfeather: What?

Cinderheart: Where are we going?

Jayfeather: (Stops and Cinderheart smacks into his back)

Cinderheart: (Falls over) Uff!

Jayfeather: Sorry (Pulls her up) You okay?

Cinderheart: Yes, I-

Firedance: (appears out of nowhere) Hold on a minute!

Jayfeather: (Is holding Cinderheart's wrists) What the hell?

Cinderheart: (Winces at Jayfeather's death-grip on her wrists) Ow.

Firedance: Holy shit, Cinderheart!

Both: What?

Firedance: You freakin' cut yourself, don't you!!!!????

Both: _ W….t…..f?

Firedance: Oh, and I'm changing the format of this story. Having to type everyone's name over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and-

Jayfeather: WE GET THE POINT!!

Firedance: Fine.

Cinderheart: Start the new format in the next chapter.

Firedance: Good idea. I might change my name too… (Considering)

Both: _NO._

Firedance: (Holds up paws) Okay, okay! Should I end this one now or just finish what I was going to do?

Jayfeather: End it, now?

Cinderheart: Now please! It's a cliffhanger anyway.

Firedance: Good point. (Leaves)


	5. Extra Short

**Firedance here! Sorry 'bout the sudden format change. I freakin' HATE writing like that!! No clue how anyone else does it! Anyway, this is pretty much continuing the previous chappie! ONWARDS!**

**Jayfeather: You forgot the disclaimer. -_-**

**By golly! You're right! (Strikes a comical pose while face-palming.) Why don't we have……..*thinks hard then pretends to snap fingers (because she can't snap)* Tigerstar!**

**Tigerstar: What?!**

**Yes you! Disclaimer, NOW!**

**Tigerstar: Why should I?**

**You ask me that? Oh well….ummm…..*fidgets and turns around on her heels* Let just say that I could easily put ya in a uhhhhh…..TigerFire paring. That or I could simply make you in a TigerBramble couldn't I? How about RavenTiger?**

**Tigerstar: 0_0 WTF?!**

**Did I hit a nerve? Come on, say the disclaimer, or I'll get the whip and laptop.**

**Tigerstar: *death glare* Firedance does not own Warriors in way, shape, or form. If she did, Leafpool would have still been with Crowfeather and Firestar wouldn't be a jerk. Oh, and the series would be completely different.**

**Good boy. *pats Tigerstar on his head***

**Tigerstar: *Leaps at Firedance* **_**CRASH!!**_

**OMFG!!**

* * *

Jayfeather let go of Cinderpelt's (Cinderheart: D: CINDER_HEART_!!) Cinderheart's wrists. "Sorry," He said.

"It's all right." She said, even though she was rubbing her wrists.

"C'mon, we're almost there." Jayfeather said, and walked forward.

After a long time of walking, both of them managing to step on thorns, Jayfeather called a halt. "Here." He said, reaching forward into a thorn bush.

"Jayfeather, doesn't that hurt?" Cinderheart asked, leaning around.

"No," He replied and Cinderheart looked confused. "Ugh, just a….little…..ah…..farther!"

There is a click and the ground beneath them disappeared. Cinderheart pulled a comical moment of both of them standing there, looking down, looking straight at the camera, screaming, and grabbing Jayfeather before falling.

* * *

**Well now, that has to be the shortest chappie evah!!**

**Jayfeather: Why am I still here?**

**Cinderheart: *Grabs him and pulls him hard against her***

**O.o Akward.**

**Tigerstar: Why do you torture me this way! *Is being forced to listen to Hannah Montana, Barbie Girl, and other nurmerously torturous songs.**

**Greystripe: AAAAUGH BIG WORDS!!!!!!!!!*spaz attack***

**I think it's time to leave. *grabs a random golf cart and flies off a ramp with it, screaming***


	6. Exploring

Cinderheart woke a long time later, her head pounding slightly. "Ow," She groaned, attempting to sit up.

"Cinderheart, you're awake!" Jayfeather's voice came out of the darkness of her closed eyelids.

"Wasn't prepared for that." She mumbled.

She could hear Jayfeather laughing. "Hey, shush!" She snapped, opening her eyes.

She was in a lavishly decorated room, full of soft plush chairs and elegant décor. "Where am I?" Cinderheart asked.

"Heaven," Jayfeather said, since she was out of her eyesight.

"WHAT?!" She screeched, sitting bolt upright.

Jayfeather walked around her bed, laughing. "I'm kidding!" He smirked at her.

"That was a dirty lie." She pouted.

"Aw, don't be like that!" Jayfeather said, "I'm the one who's usually doing that anyway."

Cinderheart smiled at him and took the paw he offered her. He pulled her to her feet and led her from the room into an equally amazing great hall. "Wow, what is this place?" She asked, holding Jayfeather's arm close.

He was about to reply when Leafpool and Crowfeather walked in. They froze at the sight of the other two. "Don't even say it." Jayfeather said, raising a paw.

Leafpool and Crowfeather looked relieved. "Promise you won't tell?" Leafpool asked.

"Promise, right Cinderheart?" Jayfeather said.

"Huh? Oh yeah, promise." She said.

Leafpool grinned seductively at Crowfeather and pulled him into the room they had just left. Jayfeather sighed. "There goes another room." He muttered.

"What?" Cinderheart asked.

"Oh, they'll make a crap-load of love to each other and break everything delicate. Good thing Firestar didn't put anything delicate in any of these rooms! With their thrashing, ha, I'm surprised neither of them breaks a bone or something!" He said.

Cinderheart's face twisted with disgust. "Ew!" She squealed.

"Ya want some food?" He asked.

"Real food??" She asked.

"Yup!" Jayfeather replied, grinning.

"HELL YEAH!" She screamed. "WHICH WAY!?"

Jayfeather pointed a paw down the hallway. "That second to last door." He said.

She was gone in a puff of steam as she flew down the hallway. Jayfeather followed her as she threw open the door and leaped in. "Fuck yeah!!" She shouted, running straight for the giant island _(ask me if you don't know what that is!!)_ and began to dig through the chocolates inside.

Jayfeather walked to the freezer and….walked inside?! Cinderheart let off a small screech and rushed to the door, as it slid closed. "Jayfeather? Jayfeather!" She called.

He didn't answer.


	7. What the!

**Okay, after surviving the attack of Tigerstar and putting him in a cage. *laughs* I'm back! Story so far; Cinderheart and Jayfeather are somewhere deep underground. Cinderheart is spazzing out over all the **_**real**_** food when Jayfeather disappears inside a refrigerator. So she goes into to find him……**

* * *

"Jayfeather, Jayfeather!" Cinderheart called, as the door swung shut. "Eek!"

She wandered forward, trying hard to see in front of her. Paws spread as far out as they would go, feeling around for anything. Twice she tripped over something because she couldn't see. "Jayfeather!!" She called, shivering.

"Jayfeather!!!" She yelled, wandering farther into the freezer.

She couldn't see anything. Tears welled up in her eyes as she looked for him. The tom she found she loved. Suddenly, a hand grasped her shoulder and she screamed. "Cinderheart? Shhhh!" He said.

Cinderheart burst into tears, finally having someone she could be comforted by. Saved by. Jayfeather pulled her close to his chest, hugging her. "I've got you." He whispered. (_**Squeal JayCinder fans!!**_)

He stroked her hair as Cinderheart's whole frame shook. She let out all the fear she had had, simply standing in a freezer.

****

After she settled down, they walked back to the door. Jayfeather brushed off the moment like nothing. CInderheart regained her more bubbly personality. Ignoring the yowling coming from the room Leafpool and Crowfeather's room, they both ate food. Cinderheart attacked the ice cream and toppings. Jayfeahter simply cut himself a slice of cake. After they finished eating, Cinderheart pointed out that Jayfeather had a load of frosting on his nose. "Where?" He asked, going cross eyed.

"Here." Cinderheart said, leaning foreward and licking the icing off.

Jayfeather grinned at her, seductivly. "Want some?" He asked.

Cinderheart narrowed her eyes,. "Hell yeah." She whispered in his ear.

* * *

**This is kinda short, sorry 'bout that!**

**Yeah, I'm considering going into detail, but keeping it at do ya think I should do? I'll make a poll to tally the results!!**

**I'mma leave this chapter here.**

**_PLEASE VOTE AND TELL ME!!!!!_**


	8. Moving On

**I've decided not to go into detail *shudder*. Anyway, I'm probably gonna change the story focus to somewhere else. Instead of JayCinder. I think all can guess what happened in the kitchen.… ._.**

* * *

Squirrelflight was pissed. She had caught three kits with candy, Brambleclaw was sobbing in his cabin because she had screamed her lungs out at him about the badness of soda then thrown it all out. She stomped around in her uniform, shouting that everyone should be doing push-ups and what-not to get ready for the assault on Riverclan. Oh, and she had managed to get Lionblaze to go get a golf cart so she could ride around in it. "PEACHKIT, PUT THAT GAME AWAY! BRAMBLECLAW QUIT CRYING AND DO SOMETHING USEFUL!" She screamed from the sunroof. (I'm not sure if anyone's driving… o-o)

The car somehow parked it's self and Squirrelflight jumped out. She surveyed the area in front of her. "Hollyleaf!" She shouted and the cat (who isn't dead yet) ran over.

"What?"

"I need you to supply the kits with more…..suitable books to read." She said, handing her a random stack of books.

She held one up. "The Warrior Code: Down to the Basics," She read. "YESSS!!! Finally, a book that's good for the clan!!"

She ran around, handing out the books. "No Peachkit read this! It's much better!" Hollyleaf said, yanking the comic out of Peachkit's paws and pushing the warrior code book into her chest.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!" Peachkit screamed to the sky as Hollyleaf threw away the comic.

Leaving Peachkit sobbing and gnawing on the book corner, for some reason, she went to Leafpool's tent. "Hi Leafpool!" She greeted, walking in. "How's Greystripe?"

Greystripe had received a serious kick to the…..below the belt area from Squirrelflight. Leafpool wondered if he'd be able to have kits ever again. "Oh he's fine. But I don't think she will be." Leafpool said, motioning to Millie and the ghost of Silverstream, who was somehow solid.

They both had been tied down with metal and enclosed in an indestructible box. Both were apparently screaming. Muffled words came through, "GET YOUR PAWS OFF 'IM! DON'T TOUCH HIM YOU SONS OF A B-! GET AWAY FROM MAH SE-!"

Leafpool sighed, and was promptly surprised when Hollyleaf shoved a book in her face. "What the fuck!?" She said.

"Squirrelflight is having me hand them out!" She said, proudly.

Leafpool listened to the sounds outside then rolled her eyes. "I don't think the kits like these books very much." She said.

Every kit in the camp was sobbing their tiny eyes out. Peachkit and others try to start a rebellion but didn't get very far in their attempt to burn the books, only managing to lightly singe the corners.

****

Jayfeather and Cinderheart wandered back camp after having breakfast. They could hardly keep their paws off each other, but had to resist this when they got into camp. "WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU BITCHES!!??" Squirrelflight screamed.

"Working……out?" Jayfeather suggested.

"Oh….well go back to doing that." She said and walked away.

They both sighed when she yelled through a megaphone. "I WANT 50 SIT-UPS IN 10 MINUTES OR NONE OF YOU ASSES ARE GETTING DINNER!!!" She shrieked.

Everyone fell onto their backs and started frantic sit-ups, counting out loud. Jayfeather sighed and was promptly shoved in the back by Cinderheart. "Whaaat?" He said.

"Maybe you should go to the weights or something she doesn't get on ya!" She hissed and ran towards the randomly placed obstacle course.

"You know that sounded so weird!!" Tigerkit, who had come out of nowhere and was currently doing sit-ups.

Cinderheart bug-eyed then ran off. Leafpool walked out of the tent.

Promptly getting stampeded by cats rushing for the randomly placed morphine on a random shelf.

(A/N: ._.)

"Owww……" She moaned, flattened against the ground.

"LEAFPOOL, I WANT SOME COFFEE!!" Squirrelflight screamed. "GET ME STARBUCKS!!! EXTRA STRONG!!"

Leafpool managed to get up and staggered a few steps back inside the tent when Lionblaze tackled/flew into her. "WTF!! RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She screamed, flailing around.

"IT'S NOT MY FAAAAUUULLLTTT!!!" Lionblaze shouted back. "BLAME SQUIRREL-"

Everyone was staring at them.

Peachkit: "OH MY GOD, IT'S TRUUUUEEE!!!!!" *runs away flailing her front paws like a human for some random reason.*

Lionblaze got up off of Leafpool and they stood up. "What was s/he (cause I don't know) talking about?" Leafpool asked, wiping crap off her clothes and smoothing down her fur.

Lionblaze fixed his shirt. "I don't kn-"

Both: .__________. DDDDD:

* * *

**I don't think anyone should feel bad for those two!!**

**BLAME PEACHKIT AND SQUIRRELFLIGHT, OF COURSE!!!!!!!**


	9. PortaPotty

**Okay, I have a question for everyone- ****Salivili hipput tupput täppyt äppyt tipput hilijalleen!!! Oops, Levan Polka addiction getting worse. I mean, if you did drugs and flew a rocket ship while listening to this song, you'd be the expert or something!!!(inspired by amazing YouTube vid). Except it would be in first person. *looks around for a sedative* Damn, none. Well, on with the story!! FEEL FREE TO ASK ME ANYTHING ABOUT THE STORY!!!**

"Jeez, what happened to the story?" Firedance muttered, slapping down a card on the table.

"You're just mad that it's getting closer to Natureboy3's story!" Peachkit replied, placing his/her card on the table.

"DUH!!" Firedance shouted.

"Ow," Hollyleaf said, rubbing her ear.

"I mean, it wasn't supposed to be like this! It was supposed to be based EXTRA LOOSELY on his story!" Firedance ranted.

"Cool it," Firestar's ghost said, laying down his card.

They all reached forward and flipped over their cards. "Yosh!!" Firedance shouted, pulling the cards towards her.

They all repeated, putting down a card and flipping them over at the same time. "Maybe you could inprove the story by not having Jayfeather and Cinderheart MAKING OUT EVERY TWO SECONDS!!!" Icebreath (an OC of mine) yelled from across the camp where she is covering her eyes from the security cameras.

Peachkit and Tigerkit both pulled out Camcorders and ran over to where the two cats were. Yellowfang walked out of nowhere. "Put the cameras away!" She started chasing the two kits.

*******

Squirrelflight had Tigerstar's ghost come and set up a clean Port-a-Potty with a camera so everyone could have a private talk. Brambleclaw used it first.

"WHY'D SHE TAKE AWAY SODA!!!??? IT'S MY ONLY REASON TO LIVE!!" He screamed, sobbing his eyes out. "I NEED SODA!! I MUST HAVE IT TO LIVE!!"

*******

After another hour of ranting Crowfeather, who was there for some reason, got pissed and pushed the port-a-potty over. Tigerstar had to put it back up and then Crowfeather used it. "Nightcloud won't leave me alone! She's always trying to fuck me! It's getting scary!"

Loud screaming from outside the port-a-potty told him that Nightcloud was freaking out. "Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit-"

_**WHAM!! **_"HOLY MOTHER FU-"Crowfeather yelled.

(The camera's videotaping still) Apparently, Nightcloud was throwing herself at the port-a-potty. She was screaming stuff that is better left unsaid while Crowfeather gripped the toilet for dear life. "Oh god!!!" He yells as the port-a-potty almost falls over. "D: Help me!"

Tigerstar: *reading a magazine, doesn't look up* Huh?

Crowfeather: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! *port-a-potty has tipped over and it rolling down the hill….._somehow….._*

"!!!" Crowfeather screamed, while Nightcloud was running after the port-a-potty frothing out of the mouth.

*******

Leafpool was walking down the street, holding random money in her random pocket. Rubbing her arm where it had been stepped on repeatedly, she entered Starbucks and went up to the counter. "Leafpool?"

Leafpool, not paying attention managed to smack her injured wrist on the counter corner. "Ow!" She looked up. "Oh hi, Sandstorm! Why are you here?"

"Making money so that Jayfeather can get the hell out of my house. He's been acting like Haku Yowane lately." Sandstorm said with a sigh.

"Haku….Yowane? Wtf." Leafpool said.

"I meant he's been getting drunk a lot." Sandstorm explained.

"Oh….anyway, I'll have a venti, extra strong, coffee." Leafpool said.

(A/N: I put a lot of these don't I? Btw. I don't order coffee at Starbucks so if that sounds weird please tell me!)

"Comin' right up!" Sandstorm said and moved off to make the drink.

_**Boom!!**_ The door flew off its hinges as Crowfeather came flying past them, running for his life. Nightcloud skidded past the door then rushed inside. "CROWFEATHER YOU SWEET THING!! LET ME [censored] [censored] [censored] AND [censored]!!!" She screamed, frothing out of the mouth.

Leafpool stared at the crazy she-cat. "Umm…"

"She does that every other day. We're running out of money to fix the door!" Sandstorm said and looked at the hole in the wall.

"Uh….huh…."Leafpool said, picking up the drink while Crowfeather was screaming that Nightcloud needed a tranquilizer from inside the men's bathroom, his back against the door as Nightcloud attempted to get in.

********

(I do a lot of those too)

Leafpool took the coffee back to Squirrelflight then returned to the tent. "I feel like total crap." She told Brightheart, who was tending to Peachkit and Tigerkit.

Leafpool:????

"Why are you three in here?" She asked the sniffling kits.

"We were trying to make love!" Tigerkit piped up as Brightheart wrapped his wrist with gauze.

Cinderpelt's ghost, being there for some reason, went bug-eyed and passed out with a thud. "Yeah! But the things we use keep breaking. Then it hit us in the face." Peachkit added.

"What….things?" Leafpool asked, trying not to fall over.

"Oh small twigs, maybe some vines. Stretchy stuff that bends." Peachkit amended modestly.

Leafpool fainted with a thud while Brightheart finished patching them up and shooed them away before fainting herself.

**I think they got the wrong idea.**


	10. Finally!

**Okay so I'm having some serious problems figuring out what to put next…..fuck it, I'll just have Squirreflight [spoilers for the current chappie lol.]**

Squirrelflight stood on the top of the jeep and stared around. "ALRIGHT!!" She yelled." IT'S TIME TO TAKE BACK WHAT MY FATHER DIED FOR!! GET YER SORRY ASSES OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!!!"

Everyone ran forward and stood in a perfect line while Squirrelflight walked by. Most were shaking, badly. "Everyone grab a golf cart and team up! We'll take Riverclan by surprise! Get geared up and move out, meet at the border for more instructions!" She said and the jeep drove away.

All the gear, of course, was in the doctor's tent. Greystripe was hiding in a random closet full of buckets, mops and the like….until Squirrelflight dragged him, screaming, out of there and forced him to drive her new Jeep. The other one just crashed and exploded. Mousefur pulled on a belt with a sword attached. "I think Squirrelflight's lost her head." She said.

"Yeah," Jayfeather agreed while putting mini-knives up his sleeves (A/N: Just like…*sniff* Maes Hughes!! *sob!*) "She must really have gone 'round the bend if she expects us to go into war like this!"

"Ahh….I remember the days when-"Halftail's ghost randomly said as it randomly appeared.

"War was something you actually _wanted_ to do." Everyone in the tent finished.

"You've heard it before." The ghost said and disappeared.

"Yeah we've heard it before…about once every two seconds!!" Lionblaze replied and received an invisible punch to the face.

"Once again we're in here to get something for something pointless!" Jayfeather said.

"Completely," Firedance said, putting a dual-pistol holster on under her army jacket.

"Wait a minute, when the hell did you get here?!" Jayfeather yelled, pointing at her.

"Umm…..I've been here if you haven't noticed." She snapped.

"NO, I HAVEN'T NOTICED!!!" Jayfeather yelled.

_Nom._

"GET THE F&$ OFF MY ARM YA LITTLE B&#(!!!" He screamed as the kit-version of Berrynose sank his teeth into Jayfeather's arm…._for some reason….._.

While Jayfeather was stumbling around waving the kit on his arm around, everyone else lined up to get a golf cart. Firedance leaped into the driver's seat, grinning evilly. Tigerstar's ghost, forced to, was sitting in the passenger seat. "We gotta be first there!!"Firedance said.

"We're almost the last in line." Jayfeather, who'd managed to stuff Berrykit into a box, pointed out.

"That's why this thing is all decked out!" She replied, gripping the wheel and starting to giggle.

"God help us all." Tigerstar muttered, putting on a helmet.

The golf cart had a top-quality engine and other top quality crap so that it could go at INSANLY LUDICROUS SPEEDS, and not fall apart or wreck. "So that's why there's the weird coloring." Leafpool said from the backseat next to Jayfeather and Berrykit's box. The line of carts started moving. "'bleep' THIS!!" Firedance shouted and floored it, spinning the wheel so the whole cart went on two wheels.

Everyone on that cart started screaming their heads off while Firedance was laughing like Shion from Higurashi. "AHA, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!" She was practically screaming/crying with mirth as they veered in-between trees.

Jayfeather: Complete hyperventilating

Tigerstar: Screaming like a little girl

Leafpool: Hanging on to the back left pole, screaming

**Suckers.**


	11. Whoops

**Hey look! I'm getting somewhere again!So welcome back to Cookie Wars!**

**_(I still crave your ideas though!)_**

**I just noticed, did I ever put a disclaimer here? I'm not sure, I don't exactly remember. Oops. Oh well, I'll do one now just in case! *slaps Leafpool's ass* Say the disclaimer.**

**Leafpool: ._. Wtf!**

**Say the friggin' disclaimer or it get's personal!*flexes fingers* (meaning groping of her breasts)**

**Leafpool: Oh sh- Mii-chan does not own anything from the Warriors series. *shaking* How was that?**

**Oh I'm not sure that'll suffice.**

**Leafpool: Waaah? Wait, wait! *backing away as I advance***

**You should explain yourself more!*grab***

**Leafpool: Wtf! No, wait! NOT UNDER THE SHIRT-**

**SSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH(static)***

***Experiencing technical difficulties**

***pops up in front of static* You're all going to think I'm a perverted weirdo now aren't you?

* * *

  
**

Firedance somehow managed to slingshot herself all the way to the front, alongside Squirrelflight. She then got pissed that Firedance was getting ahead. Soon they were racing like idiots through the trees. The three in Firedance's car were once again screaming like a little kid on a roller coaster. "FIREDANCE, SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!" Tigerstar's ghost screeched, attempting not to fly backwards into Leafpool behind him.

The box holding Berrykit had long since fallen off, the screaming kit chasing after the kart after having _somehow_ escaped the box. Leafpool, who was hanging onto the pole still, had her tail yanked upon when Berrykit decided to grab hold. She promptly kicked him in the face. "Oh shit, oops!" She swore.

Jayfeather was thankfully wearing his seatbelt because he'd passed out from hyperventilating.

Whoops.

Anyway, while Squirrelflight and Firedance rammed wheels, suddenly they hit a randomly placed ramp and…

_**THEY FLEW INTO A RIVER!**_

Firedance began screaming every swear-word under the sun and than some, Tigerstar simply floated u (being a ghost), Leafpool grabbed Jayfeather (who was still unconscious), and they swam up. "Damn it to hell! God wake him up!" Squirrelflight shouted.

Greystripe floundered around until Firedance, still swearing, grabbed him by the tail and towed him to shore.

She jumped back in and grabbed Jayfeather, pulling him there. "Jay fat-batter, wake the fuck up!" She screamed, slapping Jayfeather in the head.

"Jay….fat….batter?" Everyone muttered, all having a 'wtf' look on their face.

He woke up and looked at the livid she-cat standing over him. "HOLY FUCKING SHIT IN HELL UP THE DAMN ASS!" He shrieked, jumping twenty feet into the air.

Firedance caught the tom and tossed him into a thorn bush. "Stow it." She snarled.

"Where the hell are we?" Jayfeather asked, wincing as he dragged himself out of the bush.

Firedance immediately ran back to the river, dove in, swam down to the sinking golf cart, opened a secret compartment on the floor, pulled out some snipers, machine guns, and pistols with silencers, and swam back to the surface. She emerged panting behind a bunch of reeds. She swam around to see the others surrounded by Windclan cats. "Dammit!" She swore irritably.

"Hey-"

"AIIEEEEE!" Firedance screamed and jumped a foot out of the water.

A hand shot over her mouth and dragged, fighting like hell, under the water. "God dammit to hell quit struggling or I'll stand on your head!"

It was Bluestar.

"Holy shitting fuck!" Squirrelflight said, appeared next to Bluestar.

"You unclefuckers!" Firedance hissed. "Frickin' bitch!"

"Okay, you can stop swearing and hand over a friggin' pistol!" Bluestar snapped.

"So much for secrecy." Firedance pointed out.

"Yeah, that _TOTALLY _went tits up!" Firedance snarled, pulling out a pistol and tossing it to the two she-cats in front of her.

She pulled a sniper from her back and cocked it. "Heh, heh, cocked." Bluestar giggled and was promptly slapped by both Squirrelflight and Firedance.

"What's up guys?" A voice suddenly said and the trio screamed.

"FAGGOTCOCK!" Firedance shrieked, throwing a punch.

It hit Greystripe in the face. "What the hell?" He yelled, rubbing his cheek.

"You stupid son of a god damn mother fucking-graaaah!" Bluestar wailed.

"Shush!" Firedance suddenly hissed.

She was holding the sniper and carefully parting the reeds with it. She took aim, and fired. It hit one of the Windclan cats square through the forehead. He collapsed backwards in a heap. The others all began screaming and sprinted away, trampling anyone that got in their way. The cats they'd captured had already been tied up and bound on the ground.

_Somehow._

The four behind the bushes rushed up and untied them by cutting the ropes with the daggers Firedance had up her sleeves. "Damn!" Jayfeather swore, getting up.

Firedance smacked in the head with a flashlight. "Ow, what the hell?"

"Shush!" Leafpool snapped.

_Wham!_

**"****AAAAAIIIEEEE!"**

They all looked over to see that Tigerstar was somehow solid and had sat on a random landmine. "F-"She hissed, starting to shake, Squirreflight doing the same.

"Okay, she-cats. Calm down. Calm- calm!" The other cats started to say, but slowly backed away.

"Ffff-" They both hissed, Firedance slowly picked up dual-pistols while Squirrelflight grabbed a machine gun."

"RUN LIKE HELL!" Jayfeather shouted, sprinting for the trees.

"FUUUUUUUUUUU-" Both screamed, aiming at the Riverclan camp that they could see across the river.

They both ran across the water ninja-style and burst into the camp and began to fire erratically. "-UUUUUUUUUUUU-"

They were still screaming.

Everyone in the camp either: hit the deck, ran for their lives, were shot, or hid. "-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" They still screamed, while pulling out more bullets and bombs and other crazy shit.

"-UUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

And they _still_ screamed.

This could take a while.


End file.
